Frequently Asked Questions
I get asked these a lot, so here, finally, are my answers.


Can I use your bathroom?
Sure. Up the stairs, first door on the left.

Excuse me, is this offer still valid?
Sorry, Lady, I don't work here.

Why me?
Why not?

Where are you?
Over here!

Want some more turkey?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.

You okay, man?
Yeah... yeah, I think it missed me.

Anybody got the time?
Five to eleven.

Where did you go?
I was just looking around.

Have you seen this one before?
I think so. Is this the episode where they travel to the moon and find the giant cockroaches?

You want fries with that?
What kind of question is that, man? Of course I want fries! Why wouldn't I want fries?

Got any spare change?
Sorry, I'm broke.

You mind getting out of the way?
Oh! Right. Sorry.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I dunno. Get to the other side, maybe?

Can you hold her for a second?
Whoa.... Um.... I'm not really good with kids...

What'cha doin'?

Can I get you some?
No, I don't drink coffee. Thanks anyway.

Got a pen I can borrow?
Okay, but I need this back.

How would you like to be able to acquire the knowledge you need to get started on your new career, all in the comfort of your own home?
No thanks.

Got milk?

What would you have done in a situation like that?
Probably run away, screaming like a little girl.

Can I borrow a pen?
Dude, I just gave you a pen.
It was out of ink.
What were you drawing, space?
You got a pen I can borrow or not?
Yeah, yeah, here.

Why isn't this silly thing working?
You've still got the other window up. Here, let me.

Could you just grab that other end, there?
I think I've got it! Watch the light! Watch the light!!!

Do you know how to get to Finch Avenue?
Not really, no.

Hello, children. Whom do you love?
Sideshow Bob!
How much do you love him?
With all our hearts!
And if he ever went off the air, what would you do?
We'd kill ourselves!

What on earth is wrong with you?!?!?
You want the full list, or just the top ten?

Où est la salle de bain?
Sorry. Je parle seulement un petit peu de Français.

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
What? African or European?
UhI don't know that...AAAAGGHHH!!!!!

Abort, Retry, Fail?
Yes, please.

What would Jesus do?
Well, he wouldn't be siphoning gasoline out of his neighbour's car like you, I know that much.

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Down here in the bushes, stupid.

What is hell?
To live in slavery to others.

Got a light?
I don't smoke.

Does this dress make me look fat?
Well, you do look fat, but it's not exactly the dress that's causing it. The dress is doing its best to hold it all in.

Are you ready to order?
Yeah, I'll have the Portobello burger and a glass of iced tea. No dressing on the salad, please.

Why are you touching that?
It's shiny. I like shiny things. Look at that! This is so cool.

How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.

What did you say?

Wanna dance?
You really do not want to dance with me. I have no rhythm.

And where do you think you're going?
I was just getting a drink. Calm down.

So what do you think of this new guy?
I dunno. I hesitate to put forward an opinion this early in the game.

Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?
Yes, Lord, you know I love you.

What's the speed of light?
About three times ten to the eighth metres per second.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure. Three times ten to the eighth metres per second.

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
Blowing in the wind.

You made that up, didn't you?
Yeah, pretty much.

Now, where did I park my car?
We were in G section, weren't we?

You want a piece of me, punk?
Ew. Not really.

What would be your opinion of this man; would he be a clever man, if, out of gratitude for the raft that has carried him across the stream to safety, he, having reached the other shore, should cling to it, take it on his back, and walk about with the weight of it?
No, certainly the man who would do that would not be a clever man.

Do you really expect me to talk?
No, Mr. Bond... I expect you to die!

Did you remember to feed the dog?
We have a dog?

What, when we are dead and become dust and bones, shall we indeed be raised up? What, and our fathers, the ancients?
The ancients, and the later folk shall be gathered to the appointed time of a known day. Then you erring ones, you that cried lies, you shall eat of a tree called Zakkoum, and you shall fill therewith your bellies and drink on top of that boiling water lapping it down like thirsty camels.

Who wears short shorts?
I wear short shorts!
With legs like that?
Quiet, you.

You and what army?
Me and this army!

Hey there, sexy. Looking for a good time?
Yes, sister, an eternal good time.

Uh...what did you want?
Never mind.