Infrequently Asked Questions
These questions aren't asked nearly often enough.


Why do smurfs wear hats, but not shirts?
Their genitals are on the tops of their skulls. I would have thought that would be obvious.

Is it morally permissible for a Jain to dismantle a Tamagotchi?
As far as I'm concerned, it's ajiva until it passes a Turing test.

Really, at the end of the day, is it all worth it?
Pshh. Yeah.

What's at 350N 330E?
Sounds like Cyprus, but I'd have to check an atlas. It's in the Mediterranean, that's for sure.

If a fly's tastebuds are on its feet, what's on its tongue?

Does a gryphon have a lion tail or an eagle tail?
Up to you, like the spelling. It's typically drawn with a lion tail, but then the thing wouldn't be able to steer in flight. I usually draw them with eagle tails, although biological realism is not really the point in most fantasy art.

What's a diphthong?
It's when two vowel sounds get combined together to make one sliding sound, like "oy" or "ow". It's also a really good name for a band.

What's the name of that pointy-headed guy on the "For Dummies" books?
He's technically called "The Dummies Man", but he told me he prefers "Eric".

What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?
Well, most people will tell you that the two can't exist in the same universe. I say, because all motion is relative, the "immovable" object is just unbreakably connected to some other object (let's say, the Earth). So the irresistible force moves the object and the Earth, but, from a terrestrial viewpoint, the object remained stationary.

If we could see ultra-violet, would sunblock be bodypaint?
Yes. Yes, it would.

Can I use the swooshy design on a Coke can as a background for my webpage?
No dice. The "Dynamic Ribbon Device" is copyrighted.

If there are only four elements, what is diamond made of?
Carbon. And there are more than four elements.
I was talking about, like, from Aristotle's point of view.
Oh. Well then, diamond is just really warm, really hard ice.

Where do babies come from?
Well, you see, every living thing contains DNA. This is a set of instructions that tells each cell what to be and how to act. When two mammals like us go to reproduce, the male gives some of his DNA to the female, she mixes it with her own, incubates it, then squirts out a baby about nine months later.
I thought it had something to do with, you know, that channel my parents won't let me watch. Or love.
Nah. That's all side effects.

What is the worst pickup line in existence?
That would be "Hey, baby, I'm like Secret antiperspirant. Strong enough for a man but" -flex--"made for a woman."

Is there anything in this world more precious than a baby's smile?

How come, in the Simpsons, white people are yellow and Asian people are white?
It's a sophisticated irony.

Would you consider Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales to be one of the world's greatest examples of English literature?
Well, maybe I would if Geoff had bothered finishing the stupid things.

Why is the allergic reaction to peanuts so much more violent than most other reactions?
Because the peanut allergy gene is man made, which also explains why it only affects inferior races.

Can I make a Molotov cocktail with a water cooler bottle?
I guess you could, but it would be kind of hard to throw. And, if you're renting the cooler, you lose your deposit.

Can I borrow a pen?
Why not?
I already gave you two pens, and you used them both up.
So I like to draw! Sue me!
Well, you can draw with your own materials from now on.

Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?
That would depend on your definition of "intelligent life".

What do"FM" and "AM" stand for on the radio dial?
"Frequency Modulation" and "Amplitude Modulation".

How do they know how far away stars are?
Red shift. The farther away a star is, the faster it moves, and that alters its colour.
So how can they tell fast stars from stars that are just red?
They can't. All modern astronomy is based on futile circular reasoning.

What is the last track on Steve Taylor's "Squint" CD?
That would be "Cash Cow", a rock opera in three small acts. It's five minutes and thirty-eight seconds long.

Is the best thing about being a woman really the prerogative to have a little fun and go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady, men's shirts, short skirts, Ah-whoa-hoa-hoa, get in the action, feel the attraction, colour my hair, do what I dare, Ah-whoa-hoa-hoa, wanna be free and feel the way I feel? (Man, I feel like a woman...)
No, the best thing about being a woman is going for three days without shaving your legs, sharing a tub of Rocky Road with your best friend, then going out to play Frisbee on the beach while listening to the New Kids on the Block.

Why don't more places serve burgers made from emu, antelope, caribou, tofu, or mushroom?
Because beef and chicken are a two-pronged monopoly, carrying efficiency of production to inhuman heights and maintaining a stranglehold on the economy with draconian ferocity.

Does it still hurt?
Yeah, even after all these years. I guess you never really get used to it.

If all the world's a stage, where's the audience sitting?

What was the first meal eaten on the moon?
4 bacon squares, 3 sugar cookies, peaches, pineapple-grapefruit drink, and coffee.

What is the state sport of Maryland?

How do trick birthday candles work?
The wicks are treated with magnesium crystals. The crystals hold enough heat to reignite the wick after being blown out.

What civilization invented the hamburger?
The Tartars-- although they used raw horsemeat.

What were William Tyndale's last words?
"Lord, open the King of England's eyes."

What happened to Arlia to decimate the environment so quickly?
In exchange for information, one of King Cold's scouts gave Attla a scouter. Using the advanced alien technology, the Arlians who supported the old, totalitarian society created a weapon of mass destruction. Attla, Lemlia, and the citizens of the City of New Hope were preserved because they were miles underground, protected by thick lead walls.

Why don't more recording companies hide valuable coupons between the plastic CD plate and the back of the album?
Because the only people who look back there have insufficient attention spans to properly spend the coupons.

What is the point of all this bureaucracy?
Red tape boosts the economy by creating jobs.

Why could the Flintstones’ society tame animals to become household appliances, but not to pull their vehicles?
They could have used animals to pull their vehicles. It’s just that you get so much more control when you do it yourself.